Q: What do you derive from online relationships and friends?
-Jo Cheng
A: Well, before answering this question, I would like to take it through how the whole addiction of socialising in cyberspace came about. It first started when I was 16, inquisitive, experimental and most importantly, bored when I was in the midst of preparing for O level. I have always been to that site, not to find friends, not to find men, not to find anything. I was just there, playing the sketching game similar to pictionary online. Never explored the other rooms other than the gameroom, but that was because of the very lack of awareness as opposed to intentional avoidance.
So one fine day, I clicked on the cyber room and to my horror (then), there was an overflowing supply of vulgarities as each user contributed, adding on to the purity of the site. However, amongst the (then) disturbing and disgusting shout outs coated with very thick sexual connations, there was this group of people talking about a certain topic seemingly unrelated to sex or spam. Well, occasionally there was mention of sex, but I guess we as Singaporeans should avoid as best to measure people from other countries with our own measurement tools. What it means is that, we should withhold all our judgements on foreigners, especially if they are comments (biased or not) based on our own cultures and beliefs. In a liberal state, like for example, the US of A, phenomenon of toddlers and preschoolers masturbating in public is not uncommon, especially since there are even parenting sites created to deal with them.
Pardon me for digressing too much (once again), I just felt the need to defend my online friends in case anyone of you start accusing me of being sick in the head to be talking to what you may perceive to be "sexually deprived" people. Well they might very well be sexually deprived, but who gave you the right to label them? Hmph! Okay, needs to calm down and quit getting emotional over virtual figures.
So back to the question, what do I derive..? Hmm well, honestly being online (at flirt email) does not add any value to my life at all. In fact, (according to my folks) the time spent flirting socialising (not that they are aware of this) could have been properly used for revision, researching, exercising, reading, playing the piano, tutoring (did you know tuition is not equivalent to the act of tutoring or being tutored? it is actually a kind of fees) my sisters, QuietTime with God, something they would like to think as self-fulfilling or productive. So why do I keep talking to these people?
For a start, hiding behind the screen with a mask (fully contradictory to my true identity) worn gives me almost boundless opportunities to make friends with all sorts of people (cute guys included). Yeah, I do not deny that more than half of the online friends I have are my friends because of the way I look. But perhaps, that is not my concern. Perhaps what I am looking for is just accompany, a person (or people) who is (are) there for me, who says good things about me, who discuss about issues that almost none of my real life friends back when I was 16 found interesting. The last point can be another post on it's own, but what I am really trying to say is that, the happiness I find in these online friends cannot be derived elsewhere, sadly.
Why am I happy to be with them?
First, it is the attention I get (in general) from the whole room. Somewhat comparable to social stratification but not quite. In simple English, I'm popular. And it isnt just the successive spamming of "Hi Rach!"from my fans but to the extent of guys actually fighting to be with me, girls - single ones jealous, attached ones insecure. Such attention (probably impossible to achieve in real-life due to my unappealing looks and intellect, as well as the first impression I leave on people often not being very positive; even more so in VJ, a school populated with self-centred egotists) can sometimes be addictive, in that it makes a person, especially a girl, become territorial and overpowering, even so if she happens to be one who enjoys attention from crowds.
Being a theatre student, I am naturally one who is expressive, dramatic and desires the limelight. If you didn't catch what I was trying to, as subtlely put across is that, I am an friggin attention seeking slut. Or maybe I shouldnt be so harsh on myself, being all overly-critical, but well that's me, an extrovert by day (introvert by night, no kidding). So, such popularity gained makes it very, let me stress on the word 'very', difficult to let go of the cyber world, which is also the reason why I've been hanging on to this site for the past few months. Just to keep you in view, I completely quitted visiting that website, so now it's just left with MSN which I have to abandon (on my accord) and like what most of my friends would say, GET A (DAMN) LIFE!!!
Secondly, I am happy online also because the daily conversations I have with people from different countries 1) helps me widen my horizon in the sense I get to know more about their culture, and from how they speak the certain slangs and online nomenclature used 2) gives me a kind of confidence which comes from security and comfort in their accompany.
Who am I kidding? "1)" is obviously a minimally applicable "sub-reason" of reason no.2 and merely something I include to help me appear less desperate and pathetic. *shame*
The kind of individual time and attention I get from a cute 21 y/o Dutch guy boosts my self-esteem by some good amount. But more importantly, it's easier to talk to people online (same goes with real-life friends) because there is no way (other than webcam) one can expose or watch other's true emotions through facial expressions and tone of voice. Removing the need to consider one's non-textual expression, there is possibly a better discussion since both parties focus on the issue discussed in texts alone, aside from the usually sparce use of irony and sarcasm (oh really?). As earlier mentioned, such emotional barriers can be eradicated too between real-life friends, but it is different from that of my online buddies because they dont know our true selves in real life. Also due to this imperfect information (econs o.O), I usually get the sympathy I think I should deserve and whatever else I try to achieve.
Perhaps some of my (secondary) school friends who don't know me that well may wonder, "Isnt Rachelle a kick-ass socialite? Doesnt the attention she gets from practically everyone in the cohort satisfy her? Why does she have to resort to such means to gain attention? Is she pathetic or what?"
That's right, I am pathetic. I am lonely, I have nobody I can seriously talk to when I am troubled. Rather, I have nobody I can seriously talk to yet not regret afterwards of the fear of judgement and betrayal (inability to keep things to self, hypocritical, blah blah blah you get my drift). Then again, could it be the high expectations I have in others, especially in my friends? Do I tend to expect them to be interested in my affairs? Am I insensitive to the fact that not many people analyse issues (emotional, social, political) with as much depth as I do?
But in the end, I am actually just a very weak and vulnerable person, wishing to find someone who can both agree and disagree, with attempts at intellectual (not too intellectual beyond my comprehension of course =P) arguments, someone who can understand and offer me some form of protection.
Could this just be another angsty ranting of a (an) mentally (emotionally) unstable teenager left unheard?
